A REDEMPTION STORY
During much of my youth, I found a strong argument against the existence of God in the difficulty of understanding Life. An algebraic equation, a sentence diagram, a chemical reaction, Latin conjugations and declensions - these I could wrap my mind around without too much trouble. But I was more interested in understanding the Bigger Questions of Life, the how and why of intangible things, that didn’t fade away after exam periods were over. And I wondered, since my merely mortal schoolteachers worked hard to help me grasp academic concepts, why God seemed not to offer at least as much assistance with more important aspects of Life.
The question was intensified when, as a parent, I put conscious effort into teaching my children how to navigate each day and, eventually, life on their own. We are programmed early to view God as a parent figure - so why the lack of clear direction? And there was no avoiding the clichéd stumbling block - why would a loving God allow such evil and heartbreak in the world? The usual explanations did nothing for me, and I threw in the towel when the book about “Bad Things Happening to Good People” convinced me firmly of the exact opposite of its intent.
So for many years I coasted along, largely rejecting any possibility of God. And wow, this felt like freedom! No more agonizing over things that defied logic. I saw people of faith suffer tragedies, but I was doing just fine, thank you. Surely those believers were just wishful thinkers - or worse, maybe non-thinkers. When they told stories of how God acted in their lives, I smiled indulgently, hopefully kindly, and found another place to be as quickly as possible.
And then, ever so occasionally, without any effort, intention, or even permission on my part, elements of such a Story started popping up for me. Moments of joy, beauty, and love weaseled their way into my neat little life. At first I played a determined game of whack-a-mole with them. I would not be one of those weird, misguided people! God would not get away with this!
But wait. Am I acknowledging God could be the source of these blessings? I had to fight off this crazy thought and keep my life under control!
In this I failed, a beautiful failure. Can I explain any part of it, or even adequately describe it? No. Does that matter? Not any more. How did this happen? No clue. It doesn’t mean my mind is disengaged. But many aspects of Life are better understood by gently embracing with heart and soul, not clutching with mind alone. All dimensions of myself can be involved. It’s a different kind of freedom, and feels like a fuller experience of Life. I am an official weirdo!
I’m thankful for the Grace and Love I’ve seen, and the more of it I see, the more of it I see. It’s boundless, and there are potential blessings in even the worst of times. I’m thankful for and unafraid of what I’ve yet to learn. I’m thankful this default pessimist can feel Hope and Joy. I’m especially thankful for the dear people who share and shape the road with me, for they overflow my heart with blessings. Thanks be to God!
Leckie Conners
During much of my youth, I found a strong argument against the existence of God in the difficulty of understanding Life. An algebraic equation, a sentence diagram, a chemical reaction, Latin conjugations and declensions - these I could wrap my mind around without too much trouble. But I was more interested in understanding the Bigger Questions of Life, the how and why of intangible things, that didn’t fade away after exam periods were over. And I wondered, since my merely mortal schoolteachers worked hard to help me grasp academic concepts, why God seemed not to offer at least as much assistance with more important aspects of Life.
The question was intensified when, as a parent, I put conscious effort into teaching my children how to navigate each day and, eventually, life on their own. We are programmed early to view God as a parent figure - so why the lack of clear direction? And there was no avoiding the clichéd stumbling block - why would a loving God allow such evil and heartbreak in the world? The usual explanations did nothing for me, and I threw in the towel when the book about “Bad Things Happening to Good People” convinced me firmly of the exact opposite of its intent.
So for many years I coasted along, largely rejecting any possibility of God. And wow, this felt like freedom! No more agonizing over things that defied logic. I saw people of faith suffer tragedies, but I was doing just fine, thank you. Surely those believers were just wishful thinkers - or worse, maybe non-thinkers. When they told stories of how God acted in their lives, I smiled indulgently, hopefully kindly, and found another place to be as quickly as possible.
And then, ever so occasionally, without any effort, intention, or even permission on my part, elements of such a Story started popping up for me. Moments of joy, beauty, and love weaseled their way into my neat little life. At first I played a determined game of whack-a-mole with them. I would not be one of those weird, misguided people! God would not get away with this!
But wait. Am I acknowledging God could be the source of these blessings? I had to fight off this crazy thought and keep my life under control!
In this I failed, a beautiful failure. Can I explain any part of it, or even adequately describe it? No. Does that matter? Not any more. How did this happen? No clue. It doesn’t mean my mind is disengaged. But many aspects of Life are better understood by gently embracing with heart and soul, not clutching with mind alone. All dimensions of myself can be involved. It’s a different kind of freedom, and feels like a fuller experience of Life. I am an official weirdo!
I’m thankful for the Grace and Love I’ve seen, and the more of it I see, the more of it I see. It’s boundless, and there are potential blessings in even the worst of times. I’m thankful for and unafraid of what I’ve yet to learn. I’m thankful this default pessimist can feel Hope and Joy. I’m especially thankful for the dear people who share and shape the road with me, for they overflow my heart with blessings. Thanks be to God!
Leckie Conners
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